Friday, June 15, 2012

Break downs happen

Hope you have a moment, I have to chat. 

So I had kind of a break down yesterday afternoon. Nothing that insane happened. I mean other than looking for a place to live, the husband still not getting a new job, one of my cats pissing all over the house, and not having one goddamn thing ready for the baby yet. Nothing too much. It's totally fine guys. 

Only it's really fucking not. 

I got off from work and went to look at a house to potentially rent with the hubby. It was horrendous. Why the hell do people show houses before they've been cleaned? Dead roaches on the raggedy torn faded chocolate brown carpet. The yard overgrown and wrecked. Missing doors inside and the one room that did have a door it was missized so it wouldn't shut (and didn't have a door knob). So while the owner was telling me all the changes he was going to make to it, all I could see was my child crawling on the floor and a roach crawling next to her. So by that point there was no way I was going to rent that house. New paint, carpet, and doors be damned. Also, the stove was straight late 70's. It was avocado green and mounted in the wall. And tiny. I'm a baker guys, that just doesn't work for me. This hell hole was going for $650 a month. No. 

I've been looking for a house to rent for the past few months. I mean stalking the newspaper website, Craigslist, property management companies (I'm pretty sure they know me by voice now), and driving around the surrounding areas. We have a fairly limited budget so it's hard to find something for our ideal price point of $500-550. So this crappy house at the very top of our budget at $650 was like a kick in the teeth. 

Ideally we're looking for 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms and a house. I've since expanded that to cover duplexes and townhouses. I've even gone to 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom (if it's big enough to have office space separately). What I'm saying is, I'm fairly fucking flexible. I've even been looking on the "wrong side of the tracks". 

I know my husband is busy working and you know, supporting his family and all, but I need him to get a new job. I've been pushing this for a couple of years and really for the past few months fairly hard. I don't want to nag, I don't want to be overbearing so I really try not to be too annoying about it. I send links to jobs I find online, I bring it up occasionally. I know he wants a new job, it just doesn't seem like it's happening. But really we need a steady income with set hours and I need him in town and not this out of town on a move for Saturday, Sunday, and Monday night bullshit that he's doing this weekend. When you don't know if you're getting 20 hours a week or 50 it's hard to budget and it's hard to plan and it makes me fucking insane. I can't help but get frustrated. Really frustrated.

So I have this cat named Rosalie. Actually I have Rosalie, Bella, and Grace (yeah, my sister has a cat named Alice. You can judge us. It's fine). Rosalie is the newest addition, I found her while separated and had her and my pug. Once the hubby and I got back together she joined Bella and Grace. Grace is my alpha cat. She's ginormous and she's kind of a bitch. So she's been making Rosalie kind of crazy. Like Rose used to just live in my closet. With her own litterbox and we'd have to carry her out to eat separately from the other 2. Grace would always (and still does from time to time) attack Rose. Lately Rose has been exploring the rest of the house (YAY!!) and she has really taken to the living room. But then she stopped going to the litter box. Like she won't go to the one she used to use, and she doesn't go to Bella and Grace's. The hubby has to carry her to use it. But when we're not there she seems to think the couch is a cool place to piss. Poop? She likes the top of the bookcase in the office. I'm actively trying to get rid of her. I can't have that shit with a baby and the couch is ruined now. When we do move, we'll be using the couch I purchased when we separated that's in storage. 

This breaks my heart because Rose is a really sweet cat. She used to be so happy and fun. She loved to play and she never went anywhere except her littler box. This is the direct result of being terrorized by Grace, I know that. I know she's traumatized and it's a terrible environment for her to be in. She needs a home where she can be happy again, and I can't provide that. Grace and Bella are a package-they've been together for years now. I can't get rid of Grace.

Yesterday walking in and finding another pee spot on the couch I lost it. It broke me. I grabbed Rose and tried to throw her outside. If her claws had not literally dug into my skin and curled underneath it so that when I threw her she swung back against me attached to my arm (hurt like a motherfucker) then she'd be out. 

Then I sat down and I broke down. I cried for about 40 minutes. I was angry and I was scared and I was so so very sorry to my nugget for bringing her into this crazy fucking household and I was angry that I was alone. I had to meet the hubby at a restaurant at 7:00 and you want to talk about a surly bitch? That was me. I just felt like I was dealing with everything alone. He goes off to work and comes home. Sometimes he stops in at the local watering hole to have a few beers and hang with the guys and on Thursdays he's always out past 10 playing trivia. While I'm at work and trying to find a place to live and I'm looking for jobs for my husband and I'm trying to plan a nursery (which I can't start until we either move or decide to stay) and I'm trying to come up with names and I'm trying to find a place for Rosalie and I'm overwhelmed.

Today I found out I get to go to the new 7 to 4 shift at work (which is what I wanted). If our department handles the new shifts well (7-4, 8-5, 9-6) well, then we'll have half hour lunch options which means I could leave at 3:30 which is great. It'll be a huge help with having a nugget. But I am my moms ride to and from work (we work at the same place). She works from 8 to 5 every day except Monday's when it's 8 to 6:15. My parents have one car and if my dad is working then I'll have to come back at 5 to get her which pisses me off. 

I'm tired of dealing with everything. I'm tired of worrying about other people. I was told before that I'm extremely selfish. I wish I could see it. I wish I could be. I wish I could be like to hell with everyone, I'm doing what I think is best for me. But I don't do that, I don't see how I'm that selfish. I mean, sure I am to a degree (everyone is). Right now I wish I could be that selfish.


  1. umm... NO! you are not being selfish! you are halfway through your pregnancy and you expect to have shit figured out! I have been going through something very similar- we aren't now moving until a month after baby is born (so no nursery will be set up- he'll be in a bassinet in our room until we move). I've known I was pregnant since November- and that's the best *we* could do? Yeah, it's frustrating. And- now you have a little one to worry about. The baby doesn't seem real to anyone else but you until he's born. That whole saying "a woman becomes a mother the second she finds out she's pregnant, a man becomes a father when he holds his child" is true. Your hubby has no fucking clue what you are going through. It's hard to remember that when you want to punch them in the face for not making things easier on you. :) You should know- you are already going to make such a good mom- based on all the things you are worrying about. Even driving your Mom to work... That isn't going to work when the baby comes. That's NOT being selfish- that's putting the needs of your child first. Children need routine, consistency and happy Mom's. Good luck honey... you still have plenty of time to get things ready! I promise!

    1. Thank you. Thank you so much. I was hoping you'd weigh in as a fellow mother. I feel like I was a little hard on my husband, he's really a great guy and a huge support for me. But sometimes, sometimes (like you said) I just want to punch him in the face.

      Of course I have this pregnancy rage that is always kind of simmering under the surface so I always kind of want to punch people in the face.

  2. Okay... first of all... No you are not being selfish. You are being pregnant. I've never been pregnant, but I've read about it on the internet so I'm basically an expert... and what I know is that as a pregnant lady you are entitled to approximately 1,000 breakdowns during the course of your pregnancy. Remember that story I told you about my Chicago friend crying in a heap on the stoop of her apartment building after she rode the EL for an hour to come home and realized she had left her keys on her desk? That's pregnancy.

    Here's another thing: Your husband is probably a super awesome guy. But guys, even the super awesome ones, don't have any idea that they are being selfish assholes. They just don't. He isn't doing it on purpose to make you miserable. He just probably doesn't get it. It's like aziasaidwhat said above... the baby is very theoretical to him at this point.

    It will all come together... I swear. The universe has a way of sorting itself out in its own time.

    1. He is a super awesome guy. He really is.

      And yes I remember your poor friends well. I never did hurl in any bushes, but I'm not discounting crying on my front stoop yet.

      I know I'm hormonal and crazy and want everything done rightnow and just need to breathe for a second.

  3. I'm sorry things are so shitty, and as the others have said, I don't think it's selfish either. You know, it's funny, I can relate in that the family I married into asks so much of me. I constantly am helping them, I'm constantly worrying over them, and yet, if I ask for even one thing, I'm the selfish one. Amazing, isn't it?

  4. I'm so sorry, sweetie. Sometimes we should get to be more concerned with ourselves than others without feeling guilty. I mean, if we don't take care of ourselves, how will take care of others? I, too was told today that I am "feeling sorry for myself". Gimme a break! I just have a lot on my plate! Sheesh! I know you know what I mean. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you need to vent. You know I love ya :)

  5. I hope you find a good place to live. And I don't think your being selfish either!


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