The Umbrella Market 2013

I am currently sailing the smooth turquoise waters of the Bahamas. While I'm away cross your fingers my cruise doesn't turn into Poop Cruise 2.0 and check out my presheduled postings!

So, I mentioned before that I have started a little side business baking tasty and delicious treats. Well, while I haven't become Martha Stewart popular, I am getting more business than I expected. Weekly I've had requests for cupcakes or cakes. There's a popular little market that pops up in my town on Wednesdays during the summer. 

I was lucky enough to be chosen to sell by tasty baked goods. So, you'll be able to find Tasty Treats by Jess Wednesday evenings starting the 22nd of May and every other week (unless I get frisky and choose to go every week) in Uptown Greenville! 

I am so excited. Ridiculously excited. I'm a long ways away from a cute little store front, but I'm a lot closer than I was when I was just talking about it. 

Bahamas Bound

If you're reading this, it means I'm sailing my way to the Bahamas on the Carnival Fun Ship Ecstasy. 

Do me a solid and cross your fingers that my ship stays more like this:

and less like 

More like this:

less like this:

More like this:

Less like this:

The Airborne Toxic Event: Round 3

Monday, the 6th saw me, my husband, and bff making our way to Cat's Cradle in Chapel Hill, NC (which I like to call Hipster Haven, both the venue and the town) to see my very favorite band (next to Oasis4eva) The Airborne Toxic Event. 

It was my 3rd time seeing them. I have their lyrics tattooed on my wrist. I had met and chatted with all of them except for the lead singer, my #1 music crush Mikel Jollet. I had an opportunity to see him and speak with him when I saw them the first time at the 9:30 Club in D.C. However, I choked. 

Let me set the stage for you, it was about 6:30 in the evening Lay and I had arrived at the 9:30 Club and was standing outside smoking and watching the slowly gathering crowd. A taxi pulled up and a strikingly pretty black woman stepped out with her Hipster bf/hubs/gay whichever. The woman looked ahead and grinned. I followed her gaze and there was Mikel stepping around the corner. He grinned, approached the couple hugged her shook his hand. 

I died. Actually, this is where the story varies. I say I hit Lay and said "That's Mikel!" She says I started making grunting sounds with my mouth opening and closing like a fish and once Mikel with the couple had crossed the street, walked down the block, crossed another street, and then rounded a corner out of sight I hit her and said "That's Mikel". 

Lies I say. 

After the show that night we went to the little bar under the club and the band was down there mingling and taking pictures and generally being super cool. Unfortunately, Mikel was not there. The rest of the band was though and they are really nice and SO SO PRETTY ALL OF THEM SO PRETTY.

The second time I saw them I didn't see any of them afterwards. 

This time, my third time would be different. 

After the show Mikel hung back and was meeting people in the audience. My husband shoved me at him (that's like permission to lick face). So I got there to him.

Hubby pushed me TO HIM. That's trust and love right there. 

Eyes locked. He shook my hand. Signed my tote I'd just gotten. I showed him my tattoo. This happened:

Mikel: leans back  Awww! 
Me: stares adoringly
Mikel: Throws both arms around my neck, turns towards my husband with the camera. Poses for pic.
Me: DIES
Mikel: Leans in, says close to my ear I am going to work really hard to not ever suck at song writing so you don't ever regret getting that. 
Me: I really appreciate that. 

Guys, I am fucking smooth. 

So, I met my musical idol. Spoke actual words to him- or either he's really good at deciphering grunts. What's that you say? How did the picture turn out? Let me show you:

That's right. You're eyes are not playing tricks on you. Also, Mikel and I are not in one of the paint can shakers at Lowe's. That's my hubby's awesome camera work. This is why he's not a photographer. He did take a few good videos though. So there's that. 

Also, Mikel is shorter than I thought he'd be. 

THIS IS BEYOND!

One of my favorite things ever is celebrity gossip. I can't help myself, I am obsessed and the more scandalous the better. 

One of the best things ever is Laura Jean Poon's, I'm sorry- Reese Witherspoon's, arrest tape. I love it. I'm tired of hearing people call her America's sweetheart. I've had beef with Reese for a long long time. Don't like her. Don't like her face. Don't like her acting. Don't like how everyone seems to think she's so sweet when it seems fairly obvious to me that she is a huge cunt due to her having a bad case of cunt face. So this little piece of Internet glory really made my day:

OH EM GEE YOU GUYS

I'm addicted to UPROXX, it's an amazing site that allows me to geek out and get the low down on the world. 

Today they are having a  Q & A with Anthony Bourdain. You ask him a question and if you're lucky he'll respond to it. 

HE JUST RESPONDED TO ME. 

OH MY GOD ANTHONY BOURDAIN JUST RESPONDED TO ME. 

Hi, JAJenks Anthony Bourdain has replied to your comment on UPROXX   Anthony Bourdain said "Should hear shortly. I hope so." In reply to your comment, "@Bourdain will there be another season of The Taste? If so, will you be a part of it?" on UPROXX Live Q&A With 'Parts Unknown' Host Anthony Bourdain Direct Message Anthony Bourdain Follow Anthony BourdainMute Reply Notifications from Anthony Bourdain

I DIE. I ABSOLUTELY DIE. 

Right now Tony is #3 on my bucket list. 

1) Pistol whip someone.
2) Have James Spader tell me I'm "such trash"
3) Have a beer with Anthony Bourdain. 

This wasn't a beer, BUT IT WAS ACKNOWLEDGING ME!!!!!! 

Arrested Development

With my Game of Thrones in full swing it's time for me to jump up and down and get re-donk-u-lously excited about another show getting ready to start back. Arrested Development! Oh how I love thee. The entire 4th season will be dropped on Netflix May 26th. It's going to be glorious. 

You can't see it, but right now I'm doing the chicken dance better than Gob. 

Also...Lucille has an ankle monitor! WOOOT!

Dream Study: Death by Cupcake

The names have been changed, to protect anyone from being prosecuted because of my insane dreams.  

I have some pretty amazing friends and last night I dreamed about all of us in our finest form. It's all totally plausible, so I'm going to put my dream out there now for you to all enjoy (or not enjoy, whatevs). 

Death by Brown Sugar

So I had this dream the other day that I made some cupcakes for my friend Nina's nurse co-worker, let's call her Marge. I made the cupcakes for Marge and a few days later she comes up to me saying the cupcakes were gross and she can tell I used a low quality brown sugar in them. 

This greatly offended me since I was, for some reason, really proud of my brown sugar. So I told my friend Nina and her husband P8 (Pate) while my sister other friend Kay was there listening. P8 got deeply offended for me and he killed Marge with an ax. 

We were all totally cool with this. We went about our business satisfied that the lady that dare criticize me was dead. 

I guess P8 didn't dispose of the body well or something, because it didn't take anytime before the police were rounding us up to question and it then occurred to us that we hadn't bothered to work out an alibi and there was no way we could call/text/speak to each other since we were being watched. The police also wanted us to all bring in our brown sugar as evidence. 

I don't know what our fate was, I woke up before it could be determined. However, let this be a lesson. #1 don't talk shit about my baking. I will have you killed. #2 if you're going to commit a crime, get your stories straight before the police have a chance to question you.