I'm an asshole.

Yes, I freely admit it. I am.


My dad called me last night and told me that my grandfather was in the hospital. They didn't know what was going on yet, but he wanted to keep me informed. In the past he's had a heart attack and a stroke. This time they're not too sure what's going on. Papa is a stubborn man, so any progress they could have made was delayed when he refused to be admitted to the hospital last night and insisted on going home. Mama took him right back this morning since he was no better. 


My grandfather lives in Columbus, Georgia, that's about an 8 hour drive from me. It's not across the world, it's just a little down south. Yet for some reason, with only an 8 hour drive separating me from my Mama and Papa, I still have managed to not go down there and see them in over a year and a half. 


What have I managed to do in a year and a half? I'm glad you asked. I have gone to Washington, DC twice. I have gone to Los Angeles. I have gone to New York. I have taken days of my PTO (paid time off) due to an inch of snow outside. I have taken off to just sit around my house. I have taken days off to go see bands. 


All this fun I've been having has left me with 4 and a half hours of PTO left for the year. Which means that I can't go to Georgia to be with my family until Friday, because it's Vetern's Day, and we have it off. Family emergency leave only kicks in if I lose my Papa and I don't want that. I don't want to have that week available to me, not ever.


I feel helpless. I feel guilty. I am angry at myself. I am an asshole.


UPDATE: Turns out my grandfather's carotid artery (the big one, in the neck) was 85% blocked. So they did surgery to remove the blockage. The surgeon said it was good they got it in time because the plaque was very unstable and could have dislodged and shot into his brain at any time. That's a bad thing. The surgeon also said that some of the plaque did dislodge and go to his brain which is why he had all the problems over the weekend. But his heart is healthy and strong and now he has a totally clear artery. He's going to be great.