Feel worthless? Bake.

So yesterday was a good and bad day. I am desperately trying to further my career with Huge Financial Institution That Did Not Require a Bailout and to do so I have been applying for different positions that have been posted throughout the building, although I would really like to stay within my current department. Lucky for me there are 2 positions that have opened within my department and so I applied for both. I received word yesterday that I'll have a phone interview today for one of those 2 positions. So I was pretty stoked. A phone interview is the first step and if I pass that I'll get to move on to the panel interview which is that last step before you get a yay or nay. So I was giddy with excitement. 


Then a supervisor calls me over to give me advice and help prep me. All it did was scare the hell out of me and leave me feeling pretty lackluster. I do well in interviews. I hide my terror pretty well and I am usually fake-at ease. I turn up the charm and I spout my qualifications and I make the interviewers laugh to put us all on the same level. So I wasn't worried at all. Until the "help" from the supervisor. She was just trying to help and be real with me, but holy shit I felt fairly worthless after our discussion. 


Did I mention this supervisor is the one that is the head of the discipline in which I have the interview for? She said she's helping me the best she can, but she can't promise me anything. I also know that there's a guy hot on my heels that applied for both of the same positions I did. I am also aware that she prefers him over me. How do I know? Because he's fucking charming and young and adorable and funny and he makes her laugh until she nearly cries. He charms everyone he comes across. The worst part? He's genuinely nice and intelligent. He's as qualified, nay, he's a little more qualified that I am. Sonofabitch. 


So I left work dragging. I went home and was very glad that my husband was out seeing some friends and I curled up on the couch and I cried. When my cat came over and laid on my shoulder and I looked in her big eyes I cried more. Because as hard as I'm trying, I may never be able to afford the gourmet kitty food for her and for a moment I was overwhelmed with self-pity and irrationality. Then I got it together. I went into the kitchen to start baking the apple blondies that I had decided to make earlier in the day. I turned on the oven. I got out all the ingredients and I chopped up the apples. Then I realized the butter wasn't softened yet. I hadn't taken it out of refrigerator until right then. I may have had another break down. 


I am usually much better with the self-control than I was yesterday. So I left the butter to sit and the apples to turn and I went and sat on the couch and started playing a mindless zombie game on Google. By the time my husband came home I was in control of myself and there wasn't a trace of the hysteria that had been present an hour before. When he asked about work and what the supervisor had said I stared at the tv and I  brushed him off with a vague answer. 


Then I went in the kitchen and I threw down. At least I know I can bake. So even if I'm in this same bottom-level drone position forever, I know I can make tasty treats. 

Apple Blondies


3/4 cup all-purpose flour
2 eggs
1/2 cup butter, softened
1 cup packed dark brown sugar
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp ginger
1/8 tsp salt
1 large Granny Smith apple, coarsely chopped
1/2 cup walnuts
1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips or butterscotch chips


Preheat the oven to 350. Mix the butter and the brown sugar 2 minutes or until creamy. Add in one egg at a time, mixing throughly in between. Seperately, sift the flour, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and salt (twice if you're feeling frisky) and then add to the butter/sugar/egg mixture. Beat until well blended. Then fold in the apple, nuts, and chips. 


Pour into 9x9 greased pan and bake roughly 30 minutes. 


***For mine I didn't have any walnuts and I didn't want to add in the chips. I was looking for a not-too-sweet treat so I doubled the apple***