Monday, July 2, 2012

The rise and fall of love. Celebrity edition.

Guys, there's not much I love more than a celebrity scandal. The more insane, raunchy, and destructive it is the more I love it. That's because in the society we've all created celebrities are no longer people with real lives and real feelings. Somehow, we've all as a whole made them into public property so we feel we're entitled to knowing the intimate details of their lives. This is, of course, wrong. 

I don't give I shit. 

I want to know the details. I want to know the gory little hidden secrets. Tell me more tell me more. 

The Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes divorce scandal has me on the edge of my seat searching every gossip and news site I can find that will tell me all about the crazy. Whether or not we'll ever know the truth, the real actual truth and not the truth we give to them, remains unclear. But that's fine because I've already given them my version of the truth. 

Clearly, this is how it went:

5 years ago Tom discovered he needed a beard. Not just a beard, but one that was willing to go the full mile and bear him an actual child that is actually his without the icky business of inserting his throbbing member into her moist lady cave. 

To find this special lady he and Xenu got together. Talked it out. Looked for the ladies. Obviously Tom couldn't get just any woman off the street. She had to be trusted. She had to be able to lie convincingly for years on end. She'd have to be discrete. So that means it had to be an actress and one young enough to bare his children and one not in demand enough for pregnancy to hinder her work schedule. In fact, it had to be an actress young enough to put her career pretty much on hold for the duration of their contract happy marriage together. 

Enter Katie Holmes. After the high of Dawson's Creek and the mild success of the Teaching Ms. Tingle, Go, Disturbing Behavior delights, people knew who she was. However, she was not exactly tearing it up at the box office so it wouldn't be such a stretch for her to come in contact with Tom and his attorney and fall madly in contract love with him. 

Jack pot. 

Begins the whirlwind courtship:

Jumping on Oprah's furniture,

awkward tongue wrestling on red carpets,

, a proposal at the top of the Eiffel Tower. 

And then the real win for Tom. Suri was born. She is more than likely the antichrist or at the very least an Alien. This kid, abstractly, is beautiful. However, she was created when Xenu entered Katie's bed chamber and therefore she is the devil and sucks all of our life forces. 

So every once in a while Tom allow Katie to go and make a movie. Not just any movie though. It had to be a movie that ensured she would get no acclaim and that her star would stay firmly planted at the bottom of the Hollywood totem pole while reminding the public that she was in fact an actress. She was Mrs. Xenu afterall, she had a role to fill and it didn't include Academy Awards. So next time you see Mad Money or Jack and Jill thank Tom Cruise for that. 

Then years pass by and the alien that is Suri comes to the age where it's time to enter her into the Church of Scientology at the same that that Katie's beard contract is up. You see, Nicole Kidman knew her role and when beard contract was over she walked away leaving her kids with Tom to be raised in the CofS as Tom desired. 

Not Katie. Katie is a bad ass. She said "FUCK YOU WEIRDO! You don't own me anymore! I'm not just out of the contract, I'm also taking Suri with me!"

Which is pretty much where we are today. We'll just have to wait and see what happens next. 


  1. My favorite bizarre TomKat moment was during Suri's birth when the paparazzi photographed people bringing poster boards with weird sayings on them about silence because of the weird scientology silent birth thing.
    Idea! You should do a silent birth!

    1. It's like we mind melded again because I totes plan on having a silent birth. I totally have that in me. I figure I'm going to have all of the drugs, go into a deep slumber, they'll C-section the nugget out of me, and when I come to like a week later I'll have succeeded in a silent birth.

    2. I don't understand why knocking women completely out during birth ever went out of vogue. Ladies in the 1950s knew what was up in more ways than one.

  2. Bravo! That relationship has always been odd in my opinion. I wonder when Tom Cruise became the wacko he is today. I mean, I don't remember him being so bizarre back in the '80s, but I'm not sure when he became a Scientologist.

    1. Yeah there was a time when he was normal (Risky Business, Top Gun) but then he crossed that line into weird (hello Eyes Wide Shut).

      Not gonna lie, I'm going to see Rock of Ages with the hubby tonight and I'm pretty stoked for it.

  3. Xenu must have disguised himself as Tom when he was porking Katie, otherwise she would be demanding a DNA test to get full custody. The beard theory won't be proven until we find out who was porking Tom.


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