Monday, January 14, 2013

An Open Letter to Robert Pattinson

Dear RPatz, 

You are an incredibly likable man. You are super charming and adorable. You're intelligent without coming across as pompous. You're handsome without being pretty or distracting. You are able to poke a little fun at yourself and your work. You face the onslaught of your rabid fans with grace and humor. You have terrible taste in women, and could do better, but alas that's not why we're here today. 

In short, I like you. I really like you. As such, I want to support you in your chosen profession as an actor. 

You are making that really fucking difficult. 

Let's set aside the Twilight Saga. I know you did that to get known and collect a sweet check. That franchise is a joke and we all know it. Because of this, you choose movies to take you outside of the Edward Cullen box. I get that. I appreciate that. That's what you need to do. 

However, for fucks sake man, chose a movie that doesn't make me want to become a cutter to pass the time while watching your movies. 

Let's take a look at your non-Twilight films (that I've watched):

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire:
The best thing you have going up there is Harry Potter and not only were you barely in it, but you died. It was your best movie listed, and it wasn't even your movie. 

The Haunted Airman:
My two friends and I got together ordered some Thai food and settled in to watch this. I think we got about half way through it when we realized 2 things- #1 it had not in fact been 3 hours, it just felt like it and #2 we didn't know what the fuck was happening. 

Remember Me:
Was it supposed to be a big secret reveal that it was 9/11? Cause when you start a movie and subtitles tell you it's 2001 and you see the Twin Towers in the back ground it doesn't take rocket science to figure out. However, this isn't your fault. This wasn't a horrible movie. 

Water for Elephants:
You are now desperately trying to dig yourself out of the Edward trap. Well done. It would take a special Twi-hard to follow you here. Based off a popular critically acclaimed book, I can't fault you for taking the role. But damn it was depressing. Animal abuse makes me cry and freak out and I spent way too much time worrying over the state of the elephant to pay too much attention to the movie itself. I will say it was an amazing ending, even if it did take a lot of my willpower and a lot of wine to get to the end. 

Bel Ami:
I love a good period drama. This was not it.

What in the actual fuck? This was my face the entire movie:

 I'm not trying to shit all over you, Robert. I genuinely like you. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THE MOVIES YOU MAKE. 

It's 2013. It's a new year. There are scripts being given to you, I know there are. I know you don't want to get involved in any teenybopper bs, you want to shed that image. There is a way to do artsy while still being entertaining, watchable, and having mass appeal. 

Go out there Rob, find a few great movies. Let me know I was right to put my faith in you. 

Love and concern, 



  1. I don't like Robert Pattinson but I really enjoyed your letter tho.

    Also the only movie I have seen of that list is Harry potter, and I don't think I would be able to sit through the Water for Elephant movie....sounds sad :(

    Also what was up with Tomy Lee, The Will Farrell routine was really funny!!!

    1. Tommy Lee took a note from Joaquin Phoenix and forgot to bring his suitcase!

  2. I spend an embarrassing amount of time worrying about Robert Pattinson. In interviews he just seems like a very lost and lonely person. I very seriously question some of his relationship choices, but I'm almost glad he has someone... even if that someone is Kristen Stewart.

    1. I worry that maybe one of the reasons he's lost and lonely is BECAUSE of his relationship choices. He's a super charming guy, I just hate the idea of him being overrun and used. I kind of want to cook him dinner and then sit and read in an arm chair next to his in front of a fire. He seems like he'd like some quiet time like that.

    2. I want to make him pancakes and have a self-esteem pep talk session... like the kind I regularly have with my girlfriends. The kind of conversation that usually ends with me proudly declaring 'Fuck them... I'm flawless.' And then I feel flawless for about 10 minutes before the doubt starts creeping back in. I think he needs it. Maybe I should send him my friends instead... they're used to handling a person with crippling self-doubt.

    3. You couldn't possibly have crippling self-doubt. You're fabulous!
      I approve of this motto though. "Fuck them... I'm flawless". That's the title of your autobiography right there.

      It sounds like we're prescribing Rob a weekend in a cabin with us, wine, food, Boggle, and soul searching. Let's get in touch with his people. Or just tweet him.

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